this place. i don't understand this place i'm in.
i feel...
grown
heavy
empty
yet overflowing with something i can't quite articulate...
i should be so happy. ...so overwhelmingly happy.
but somehow i end up crying
every
day.
+ searching for what it is that started the tears.
forgetting how it is that i stopped them for the past year.
i worry that i won't be able to sift my way out from under this place.
this place.
i can't quite stand it.
i feel like something big is coming, something fantastic, but i've felt that way for two years now, + i'm still left, staring up at the sky, shuffling my feet through the tears + the waiting.
still waiting.
she is here now, + that feels so wonderful.
but even she can't pull me out from under this place.
this place.
i can't quite make out where it is i am.
everything, every moment, every breath propels me forward, right?
this has to be taking me on some sort of circuitous path to tomorrow, to something better, right?
i believe that.
i do.
i believe that every moment is a lesson, even when i'm down here in this place unable to see in the darkness that i thought had left me years ago.
i'm back here though, but my breath is different.
heavy.
thick.
i appreciate this space, this place i can hardly see through my tears.
i have to tell myself that when my tears dry + clarity settles in that it will be beautiful here.
i will inhale, strong, pure, + know that the path was worth walking because it has taken me here. to me.
this me is me, too, but somehow, i struggle to remember that, + keep walking.
the tears will stop, right?
there is better for me right?
because sometimes i think i am being punished.
+ this entry becomes like every entry that has come before it, only more + more scattered, dark, aimless...
+ i worry what if i can't ever find my way out of this place?
this heavy, thick space that i'm not quite sure how or why i got to, but i'm here + it's got to be part of the bigger picture, right?